Music News

AKA Liam & Noel Gallagher crack me up.

Apparently, for some reason, Liam Gallagher thinks that he is awesome. And, in terms of how much his interviews end up amusing me, I suppose that he is, but not as awesome as he thinks:

"I'm doing the best record you'll hear for the next 50 years. It's not gonna be out until next year. We'll probably get a single out October or November, and there's no point in doing gigs if people haven't heard the music."

The band? Beady Eye.

What's that? You've never heard of Beady Eye? Me either, but, it's basically Oasis without Noel.

So, if you think that Noel was just dragging down Oasis and preventing them from making the best record ever, then prepare to have your mind blown in October or November. Otherwise, I'm guessing the last note of the record is going to be mixed to such a high volume that all of our eardrums will rupture and we'll never hear another record again, because I'm pretty sure that's the only way I'm never going to hear anything better.

I mean, I may dust off the ole What's the Story Morning Glory once in awhile, but when I randomly hear Wonderwall, I'm not thinking "You know what? If they just got rid of that Noel guy, this would've been the BEST ALBUM I'D HEAR UNTIL AT LEAST 2045!" Instead, I'm probably thinking "You know, I really liked this in the 90s. I wonder what happened to those two blokes (no? fine. guys). Those Will Ferrell in the British Parliament sketches were really funny back then..."

After a fruitless search, I have come up empty handed in terms of Prime Minister's Questions videos from SNL. But here's part of the transcript (be sure to imagine it with British accents for full effect):

Michael Shersby: What steps has the Prime Minister.. taken to prevent Liam Gallagher from leaving?
John Major: Uh.. yes. what exactly is the right gentleman talking about, and who is Liam Gallagher?!
Michael Shersby: He is the lead singer of Oasis! And if he leaves, it will be be bloody awful!

So, I suppose that since your leaving would be awful, Liam, you can count some support in your corner for Beady Eye's success, on behalf of an SNL joke from 1997.


Gallagher told Sky News that the only reason for his previous band to get back together would be if they were "f---ing skint." I...have no idea what that means.

The subject of Liam Gallagher reminded me of a news story I wanted to post awhile back: I read an article about James Blunt planning to break a world record for highest concert ever (HAH!) and, at the end of it was this:

James Blunt, however, has seen his popularity wane somewhat over the past few years. The wheels were in motion even in 2008 when Noel Gallagher apparently sold his new Ibiza home because of Blunt constantly "banging on about Ibiza" and had "taken the charm out of it," as previously reported by Spinner.

Another article explained it thusly: "...he can’t stand the thought of Blunt writing crap tunes up the road"

Can you really live anywhere without someone writing crap tunes up the road? My guess is that you cannot. It's just a matter of how much you'll end up hearing about it. And whether or not it's James Blunt.

50 Books in 2010: Samantha Bee

You may or may not know who Samantha Bee is. If you do not know, you will if you continue reading this sentence: Samantha Bee is a correspondent on the Daily Show and has been for something like 7 years. She is married to Jason Jones, who is also a correspondent on the Daily Show. They are both Canadian. Canadian-Americans? I'unno. The question of citizenship was not raised, but I think working for the Daily Show is an instant Green Card...so long as there's a Democrat in the White House...

I'm honestly not sure what made me pick up the book, except that I've read a lot of comedian(/enne?) memoirs this year and really enjoy them as a genre, even though they're probably not really an actual genre. What I'm saying is, I wasn't particularly in love with Samantha Bee, and, heck, even sometimes found her off-putting, but, this is normal for me, as I seldom like female comedians for some reason. This is an interesting issue because I both love comedy and AM a woman. But if you subject me to more than a few seconds of Lisa Lampanelli, I might stab you with whatever crunchy snack food we're (OK, I'm) eating and lunge for the remote while you're hoping your vision isn't permanently damaged and hurrying to rinse out your eyeball under the faucet.

This is not to say that women are inherently unfunny or that there are not funny comediennes out there, just that none of my favorite comedians are women. After reading Sarah Silverman's book, I appreciate her more, though, and the same can be said here. And, if Jane Lynch counts as a comedienne, I'm into that. And I want to BE Kerri Kenney(-Silver). Or Mary Tyler Moore circa 1960.

When I began the book, I was my usual smug self. "Eh, this'll probably be okay, whatever. At least it'll probably be a quick read and be somewhat amusing." Cut to a day or two later and I'm trying not to laugh out loud on the train. It's that kind of laughter where the hilariousness of the thing is amplified times a thousand because you feel like you shouldn't be laughing right then, like, say, if you're at your friend's wedding and the father of the bride is giving a toast and someone at your table does something funny. It doesn't even have to be all that funny, but next thing you know, tears are trying to explode out of your eyes as you stifle your giggles and hope that none of the other tables have noticed.

Not that that's ever happened to me or anything...

So, now I'm not even sure if the book really started out as slowly as it may have seemed, or if it was just me being a cold bitch to Samantha Bee and then later just not being able to keep up the facade anymore because the shit was fucking funny.

A lot of the funniest things are rather lengthy stories, at least for blog-post-quoting purposes, but, here's a selection:

"If you've ever seen a dog towing a cart in place on its hind legs and thought, I wonder who would put a dog through that?, the answer is, my mother. If she had to change a dog's colostomy bag seven times a day for twelve years, she would do it. She would squeeze clean the anal glands of her cat with one hand, scrub the scum from the fins of a clown fish with the other, and endure the loss of a finger from a twenty-pound snapping turtle that she was trying to rescue from the side of the road, before she would change the diaper of one of her grandchildren. That's not really true. She would change the diaper, but she would make a face."

And, one of the things that most made me look like a crazy person on the train (JK, nothing could make me look nearly as crazy as the actual crazy people on the train): After being taken to a strip club by a co-worker (pre-Daily Show), where the co-worker's boyfriend is a stripper and...does unnatractive strippery things ("knocked his balls into the side of my head for three entire 'dances'"), she goes out to the lobby only to get flashed by a creeper. She just straight up goes after the dude to out-crazy him by yelling how badly she wants his penis and, then, this: "No, don't put it back inside your pants! I require all of the services you are offering me. I request that you inspect my vaginables and see if they meet your exacting standards!"

Even now, for whatever reason, I cannot look at the word "vaginables" without laughing. Even here, alone at my desk. I think it has joined McRibbles on the list of my favorite words of 2010. Everyone please use it at least once per day until it catches on.

Bit o' trivia: she played Sailor Moon in some sort of crazy Sailor Moon traveling show!! And Jason was Tuxedo Mask. And this may mean absolutely nothing to you, but I knew several people obsessed with Sailor Moon in college. I was not one of them, but, I still find this tidbit rather amusing.

Also, we have the same ideal career; when asked in an interview at one of those crappy 'art' stores in the mall what it would be, she says: "my perfect job would entail spending the day in a cushiony room, napping with baby animals. Maybe they had been abandoned by their mothers or left by the side of the road; whatever their situation, it would be my job to keep them company and pet them and generally give them a warm, motherly vibe." Where do I sign up? Oh, right, she did not end up finding that position...






Vaginables.

For Candice, My First Animated GIF

There's an Olive Garden commercial airing around here where a family is at dinner and a kid is sitting in between his two uncles. One says to pass a breadstick to his favorite uncle, and then, this happens:

But, since my goofy, poorly Photoshopped re-enactment doesn't truly do it justice, I decided an (equally poorly put-together, but hey, it's my first one and I should be in bed by now) animated GIF was in order:



When I was looking for a video of this commercial I found some hilarious commentary on some sort of discussion board about ads that bug people. Here's a summary:
Person 1, 2, and 3: That commercial is creepy
Person 4: I didn't think so. What's creepy about it?
Person 5: One of the uncles is a pedophile.
Person 4 (appearing to take that completely seriously instead of, as I found it, completely hilariously): I didn't get that impression. I'll have to watch it again.

I'd be lying if I said that any of this detracted from my desire to eat about 10 of those breadsticks and some of those mezzalunas in cream sauce...God, even that sounds dirty.

I quit!


Olive Garden, anyone??

50 Books in 2010: Open

I don't want to jump the gun and say that this is the best book I'll have read in 2010, because it'll be kind of a bummer to read 17(+) more books while continually comparing them negatively to this, but it's also hard to imagine anything de-throning it right now.


I laughed; I cried; I burned through it on my train rides while constantly getting too enthralled with it to pay full attention to getting off at the appropriate stop. I don't even want to try to count the number of times I teared up while reading it (going to the Olympics, opening his school, wins, losses, retirement...). And yes, that happened on the train, too. I'm THAT girl.

I've really only ever paid a small amount of attention to tennis. Like many things in life, I try to keep a passing knowledge (I can name any number of tennis players, but certainly not how many Grand Slams they won or what their strengths and weaknesses are or what have you), but never truly delved into it. I was too young when Andre Agassi was starting out to really be fully aware of him or to try to understand him. But, I tend to like memoirs, I do like tennis, and I'd heard a lot of good things about the book, so, here we are.

It drew me in immediately--he's preparing for what will possibly be his last match, and IS his last tournament before retirement. "Please let this be over. I'm not ready for it to be over." (tears)

Then we get a picture of Andre's childhood. His father works him extremely hard, grooming him to be a tennis player from a very early age, as he had attempted and failed to do with Andre's older siblings. This includes hours of practice sessions with a crazy ball machine called the dragon, during which Andre hits 17,500 balls a week, or over 900,000 balls a year.

He's sent to a tennis "academy" in Florida from his native Las Vegas, where he hates his life, gets a pink mohawk, and trades a stuffed panda he got from cheating some carnies for the privilege of dropping out of school, then turns pro at 16.

He has continual struggles with the media's perceptions of him and his perceptions of himself. One struggle I particularly appreciated was his struggle with perfectionism. "I find peace in his [Brad, his coach's] claim that perfectionism is voluntary. Perfectionism is something I chose, and it's ruining me, and I can choose something else. I must choose something else."


I also really enjoyed (and got with) this quote, though it is not nearly so deep: it was "one of those showers that makes you think you should write a check to several environmental groups and maybe plant a tree". Despite my green leanings, I take one of these fairly often in the wintertime.

On another not-so-serious note, I can't believe we didn't all realize he was going bald and wearing a hair piece! I feel like nowadays we'd be all over that [Bret Michaels, I'm looking at you...], but I guess everyone was distracted by the jean shorts. Then again, it's pretty unusual for someone to already be balding so severely in their 20s.

I really found myself pulling for him throughout the book, and, since I hadn't really been following tennis, all the outcomes of his various matches were suspenseful as I read them. He made me feel his losses, triumph in his wins, love his "entourage", and be very glad that I was not groomed to be a professional athlete. He also just seems like a really great guy who still had a lot of growing up to do when he first came onto the scene and who went through quite an interesting journey.

If only he'd have beaten Sampras a few more times, things would've turned out just about perfect.

Despite dropping out of school, he learns how important education is and does several awesome things with that knowledge: he buys a bunch of Nike stock for a friend who doesn't know how he'll pay for his kids' college and he opens a prep school in the worst part of Las Vegas.

"This is the only perfection there is, the perfection of helping others. This is why we're here. To make each other feel safe."

As I neared the end of the book, not only did I not want Andre's career to be over, I didn't want the book to be over.

Nearly Everything is Wrong with This Screen Shot

Namely, the ads, but, also, I suppose the story itself--that Amanda Bynes retired from acting only to tweet that she's back to being "un-retired" something like a month afterward when I don't think anyone was really all that concerned either way (then again, she was on All That back in the day and I totally feel as if I should remember liking that show and pretend that I remember Kenan and Kel being funny on it even though I don't really remember that at all anymore and am totally generally not amused by them (well, Kenan, because, where the hell is Kel?) now with the exception of What up with That?, but she also made She's the Man, which I didn't see, but just has to pale in comparison to that 80s classic Just One of the Guys (I have absolutely no idea how that movie did in the 80s, as I've just seen it on Comedy Central when they've run out of old sitcoms to rerun during the day, but where did those people go? Apparently the jerky older brother has been on one episode of like every TV show, and had a big role on [Joey-Lawrence-style-WHOA] Parker Lewis Can't Lose) and, uh, what was I talking about?)

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, I was originally taking a screen shot to make fun of the ad at the top (haha accidental double entendre about tapping that, etc.) but then was totally distracted by the other ad's implication that there's some sort of new movie-thing involving Colin Quinn!

While I gather myself after passing out from shock and awe at this probably travesty, then find out what this is all about, here's my one anecdote about Colin Quinn: During one of his two ill-fated Comedy Central shows (Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn), Colin decided to respond to some viewer comments, I believe from message boards and the like. A friend of mine had written one about how awful he believed Colin Quinn to be. Colin Quinn read this comment on the air and then indicated a desire to stab my friend in the face. My friend is still alive and un-stabbed, off being way more funny than Colin Quinn in Toronto.

Apparently this thing is some sort of one-man-off-Broadway show about the history of the world as told by Colin Quinn and it did get a blurb about its existence back in June in Entertainment Weekly that apparently my eyes chose to skim over back then or maybe it didn't make it to the print edition. I'unno. Anyway, here's a clip from the show, if you're the sort of person who'd want to watch that sort of thing:






P.S. There's a photo on the website of all the guys from Grown Ups after they came to see the show. Chris Rock looks like he really enjoyed it:

Book Onslaught Part III: The Tipping Point

I originally wasn't going to post about this because, well, I didn't think that after finally getting around to writing about the previous books (Part I and Part II) that I'd still have retained much from The Tipping Point or have much to say. And maybe I won't, but I might as well try.

The Tipping Point came out 10 years ago and has been somewhat of a bestseller in most of the intervening time. Either that, or at least one of his other books has been (Blink, I think, is equally popular). For some reason, I ignored this Malcolm Gladwell trend. I'm not sure why I was skeptical; some trends I embrace without question, some I try instantly, and some, I just can't seem to whip up any enthusiasm for. This was the latter.

But, the book was pretty good. And, I'll probably read his others. I don't regret waiting, though, as I probably would not have appreciated this ten years ago, as I was just graduating from high school and whatnot.

Book Onslaught Part II: Sarah Silverman

I...have mixed feelings about Sarah Silverman. But, after reading this, the mixture definitely contains more affection and interest than it did before.

As the title claims, Sarah Silverman was a bedwetter. And not just an occasional, toddler-era bedwetter, a chronic well-past-toddler-age bedwetter. Specifically, a packing-Pampers-to-go-camping-in-8th-grade bedwetter.

Sarah Silverman also started fighting depression early in her life and was told by a therapist to take a Xanax "when she felt sad". At one point, her doctor prescribed 14-16 Xanax A DAY. At some point, she just stopped going to school (but still did work from home and thus, had a pretty good GPA somehow). Eventually, a...shall we say...better therapist eased her off the Xanax, her bladder finally grew to normal size, and things were significantly better. Plus she discovered she really liked sex.

Book Onslaught Part I: Bill Bryson

I was going to try to talk about all of the books I've read since I last posted on the subject in a single post (without the post becoming longer than any of them individually, which would only be super difficult if I were also including the The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (an Eclipse novella) by Stephenie Meyer, which I almost feel I should count as 1/2 a book, but won't), buuuut when I started this Bill Bryson post, it quickly became long enough that I owed it its own, so, here it is.



I picked up the Bill Bryson book (The Mother Tongue; English and How It Got That Way) because I both like spelling/grammar-related things and have enjoyed Bill Bryson's other books (in particular, Shakespeare and A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail). I had mixed feelings about it because, well, sometimes I disagreed with what was being said, and sometimes things got a little out of hand with the examples (1 example, okay. 5, fine. A whole paragraph? Shut up already! I get how weird Celtic pronunciation is!) but, for the most part, I found it informative and amusing.

Despite occasionally tedious explanation, sometimes there wasn't enough--he says that an Iowan passing through Pennsylvania might be confused by menu items like "scrapple" "snits" and "fat cakes". Great, soooo, what the hell are those things??? (If you know, feel free to enlighten me. Or Google it for me and then enlighten me. Just don't use Bing. No one does that.)

A few of the weird things (to me):

• "Bollix is commonly used in America to describe a confused situation." It is?!? Have any of you ever even used "bollix" in a sentence, let alone to mean a confused situation instead of balls?
• Ohioans pronounce their state 'Hia. We do?!? (Perhaps Matty will tell me that they do this in Ada? Or, more likely Bill Bryson passed through southern Ohio one time in 1990 while working on the book)

The book re-confirmed my (never-doubted) hatred for Cockney rhyming slang. In Cockney rhyming slang, if someone says 'Aris or bottle, they mean ass. What the hell kind of sense does that make, you ask? None at all, of course! Well, unless you know that 'Aris means Paris, as in plaster of Paris, which when shortened to Aris can be added to to make Aristotle, which then gets you to bottle, which is apparently part of the phrase "bottle and glass" which rhymes with...ASS! Of course! Now don't you feel silly?

More News: This time I *Will* Mention LeBron

As I've mentioned previously, I enjoy looking through the "news" on AOL.com. Sometimes it's not very exciting, just normal stuff that I could've read about anywhere, or random mundane not-really-news-y things, but sometimes the headlines are about a guy getting arrested and blaming LeBron James.

A 30-year-old man was swerving over the center line and into the shoulder in the wee hours of July 11th. He got pulled over and, *surprise*, appeared to be intoxicated. Instead of the usual "Oh, you know, I had maybe 1 beer...but I'm totally cool occifer", the guy says that he's been drinking because of LeBron James.

The big surprise, aside from that the story exists at all, is that this guy is from FLINT, MICHIGAN. And, he says he's upset that LeBron didn't join the CELTICS.

Uh, what?

You're from Michigan. You should either not care very much because you didn't really lose anything OR care a great deal because you had some crazy idea that he'd come to the Pistons. Why the f--- would you want LeBron to go to the Celtics despite NO mention of that as a possibility EVER, yet set your hopes on it such that you feel the need to get drunk when it doesn't happen?

Alternatively, were you SO drunk that you didn't even know the difference between the Cavs and the Celtics and you meant that you wanted him to stay with the Cavs? In that case, your BAC of 0.16 really belies how f---ing wasted you must've been (Stupor is only a symptom after you hit .2. Aaaand you still probably shouldn't have been THAT upset).

Lastly, this happened at almost 3am on July 11th. That means you were drinking on Saturday evening into the very early hours of Sunday. The announcement was made on Thursday. Had you been drinking and driving around town for the past 2 full days?!? Or did you manage to stifle your emotional distress until the weekend?

Basically, I call shenanigans.

 (Thanks to Dan Hopper at Best Week Ever for the presence of mind to capture this image and for not being mad at me for using/writing on it)

Local News

I don't generally watch local news, one, because they tend to tease relentlessly about some exciting story that they'll actually get around to only in the last 30 seconds of the broadcast and then it doesn't even turn out to be interesting in any way, two, because the stories they talk about in between the teases tend to be either depressing crime news or silly and probably erroneous fluff pieces about weight loss or herbal remedies or who got kicked off of American Idol (or whatever reality show is going on at the time), and three, because there are generally much better things to watch on TV at 5pm, 6pm, 10pm, and 11pm (we don't even need to talk about the morning...).

Because of this, I missed the fact that TWICE this week, elderly people shot themselves in or near a Cleveland Clinic hospital called Hillcrest.

On Friday, a guy came in to visit his wife (both 77 years old), who was scheduled to be released that day, and proceeded to shoot her, and then himself, killing them both. He left a suicide note that has not been released.

Then, on Tuesday, an 82-year-old man shot himself twice with a handgun in front of the emergency room. He is, apparently, still living and being treated in the hospital.

All I have to say about this is: What the hell?!?

But, from the video I watched about the story, apparently this doesn't sound so crazy to everyone, because the people interviewed by the local news crew all said things to the effect of "Well, you know, things happen."

THINGS HAPPEN?!?

"Things" that "happen" to elderly people include unwanted ear hair, falling asleep in the middle of an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles, or kids refusing to get off the lawn. They do NOT include shooting oneself in front of or IN a hospital.

But, the police know what to do, right?
"I really do believe this was a copycat situation," --Police Chief Joe Donnelly
"I don't think it was a copycat because they're two totally different scenarios." --Detective Lt. Sonnhalter
Oh.

Hold On To Yer Butts

It's been a banner year (month? couple of months? I don't know...) for fast food. We've seen

• the KFC Double Down (540 calories, 32 grams of fat, 1380 mg sodium), followed by KFCs new (and, IMHO, horrible, slogan-jingle thing "S-O G-doubleO-D Good")

• the Sonic foot-long Coney (660 calories, 39 grams of fat, 1856 mg sodium)

• the Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt (not technically fast food, but how could I leave it out?) - a burger between two grilled cheese sandwiches (1500 calories, 97 grams of fat, 2090 mg sodium)

• the Burger King Ribs (nutrition info from a random place on the interwebs: 450 calories, 33 grams of fat, 1290 mg sodium.)  - not really THAT horrible for you, but, well, just kinda weird.

• the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, coverage of which on NPR included this sentence this morning: "Is shoving wieners in your mouth a sport?", after which I made possibly the worst joke ever to myself: If so, then that explains why Paris Hilton is so famous. OH! (Yes, I really say OH! after I make a joke, whether to myself or another person). The winner ate 54 hotdogs in 10 minutes (297 calories, 18 grams of fat, 692 mg sodium, each, soooo around 16,000 calories total. That's as much as I should have in 10 days.) 

• the Carl's Jr. Footlong Cheesburger (nutrition info not released yet--it's still in the testing phase)

This last one may look familiar to Clevelanders as it's basically just a slightly larger, less inventive, and better photographed Romanburger (861 calories, 62 grams of fat, 1530 mg sodium) from Mr. Hero. Observe:

Unfortunately, the McDonald's McRibbles were a hoax (despite the real Burger King ribs), not that I was going to eat them, I just *really* like saying McRibbles. Try it. McRibbles.

In any event, the point of all this is to say that there is yet another piece of interesting fast food-ish news:

Taco Bell is getting into the breakfast game!

After recent forays into breakfast territory by Subway, abandoned considerations by Wendy's, and some sort of brunch idea by Burger King (getting breakfast after 10:30 sounds good to me, but apparently this "brunch" term is just to sound upscale somehow and not to extend the hours. Apparently only us poor proletarians eat breakfast these days.), Taco Bell is in the planning stages of a breakfast menu that will likely include a double-ham-and-cheese melt, sausage burritos, potato and cheese roll ups, and hash browns. These items will apparently include Jimmy Dean sausages, Cinnabon Delights, and other brands.

I'm curious what the breakfast hours will be. Starting at 3am, perhaps? Or, could it be, *gasp* a foray into all-day breakfast? 

Instead of post-debauchery tacos, will the bar-hoppers of the nation be able to eat post-debauchery sausage burritos and Cinnabons? For the next year or two, these things will remain a fantasy, but, come 2012, we may be eating double ham and cheese melts in a drunken stupor as we watch the apocalypse unfold. See you there (then?).

Possibly the Worst Thing I Could've Spent Time On Tonight

I probably shouldn't even talk about this situation, as it seems to be pretty horrible, but, apparently Mel Gibson is an even bigger douche than we thought after that whole sugar-tits incident awhile back. Audio tapes keep getting leaked of he and his ex (you know, that random lady he had an affair with and then apparently tried to get a singing career for and had a baby with, but now apparently hates with the fire of a thousand suns) fighting about various things like:

• her fake tits and how stupid he thinks they look
• money
• how what she should probably do is blow him
• how horrible she was to him
• money
• going to the jacuzzi
• how her money is really his money
• how she dresses like a whore (a Vegas whore, no less)
• her "career"
• money

Basically, I listened to and read about this, but think that you should not do so, because it's awful. And yet, taken on their own, some parts of it are rather amusing, despite having to forget the awful, awful context. But, such is humor, I suppose. And, so, I made this comic strip that sums it all up for you in an easy 6 frames. I originally was going to make one of those videos with the animated animals and computer voices, but you gotta pay for that shit. So, just imagine a computer voice as you look at it.
 

I just can't get over the "It's just an appraisal, keep 'em if you want" thing. Some people say the weirdest shit when they're in a blind rage...

Et tu, Facebook?

I do enjoy the Onion, but I have a feeling that many who like Cleveland Cavaliers do NOT like that first thing.

I'm not always sure about the associations drawn in those suggestions (one I get a lot is: Reading; many who like Dogs like this), but I've been noticing that NPR headlines often would need very little adjustment to become Onion headlines or humor-oriented blog posts. Like these:

• What Physics Says About Smooth Balls

• For Kids, Dad's Bionic Hand Recalls 'Star Wars'

• How to Fill the Other 59 Minutes and 45 Seconds of the LeBron James Special

• Annual Job Review is 'Total Baloney', Expert Says

• Prehistoric Whale Ate Other Whales for Breakfast

• The World Cup Hair Bracket: Algerian Bleach Takes on Sweaty Spanish Curls

• Snails on Meth Have Better Memories

Anyway, readers, if you do exist, I apologize for my recent laziness, but, having a full-time job for the first time in awhile has reduced my effectiveness at coming up with ideas (and actually executing them). I imagine, though, that no one is really all that upset about this. Nonetheless, I hope to post more frequently.

Really, Sports Apparel Store From Which I Bought a MO WILLIAMS CAVS Shirt?!?

Why you gotta do me like that?

Hey Fanhouse Shop....FUCK YOU!

I mean, I expected to still be hearing all about this from pretty much everyone, but, an email telling me to buy a HEAT jersey? That's cold, Fanhouse Shop. That's cold.