This Post Brought to You by the Letter B

For those not in-the-know about these sorts of things, ducks have some sort of crazy mechanism where a female duck can seem to be having sex with a male duck, but is actually sending the penis down "convoluted vaginas with dead-end cul-de-sacs and spirals in the opposite direction of the male penis". I really have no recollection whatsoever of where I heard this (possibly an episode of Green Porno?), but I'd heard that, basically, they have two vaginas. One for the males they want to reproduce with. One for the duds. Or whatever the term is for the duck version of a grenade.

I brought this little tidbit up in conversation, because, hey, that's the kind of thing I bring up into conversation. And, then, of course, said something along the lines of "YOU get the B vagina!", coining the term B-vagina, and, the above comic. After I'd forgotten all about it and then been hilariously reminded a few days later, of course. It may not be a quality comic, but, I think "B-vagina" should become instant popular slang. Especially in Jersey Shore-type conversations:

"You gonna let him get it in?"
"I dunno, he's really only B-vagina material."

It could also become slang for any time you trick someone.

"Did she really believe that lame-ass excuse you gave her?"
"Yep. Totally gave her the B-vagina."

Not to mention that it can be easily shortened into the super catchy "b-vag".

And really, b-vag could mean anything you don't want.

"Can we listen to the new Miley Cyrus album?'
"That b-vag? No way."

So, go forth and enter this word into the lexicon...or urban dictionary. Whichev.

Here's the crazy-ass explanation in the form of a Green Porno episode:




P.S. The ducks in the comic are Farmville ducks. I am not artsy enough to draw ducks on the computer. Well, I might be, but it'd take me for-ev-er, so I figured I'd borrow those. Please don't sue me, Zynga!! I don't have any money!

I Visited Louisville This Weekend

And all you get is this lousy spectacular post.

I learned a lot from Louisville. We went into a number of stores with books to sell (surprise!). One reminded me that I need to order Earth: the Book, one taught me that I need to get the Sexy Book of Sexy Sex, and one taught me where the urban erotica is supposed to go:

With the young adult books, of course! Why didn't I think of this sooner? Who doesn't want to follow up the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with a little A Gangster's Girl Saga, Thug Lovin' or A Pimp's Life?

This same store warned me about the rapture. I promptly bought these whole two shelves! (Not really. Though in full disclosure, I read about half of the Left Behind series, and owned several, when I was doin' a bit more churchin'. Then later on, I sold the ones I owned for a pittance because they were taking up too much room and were apparently ubiquitous on the secondhand market.)

Speaking of churchin', we went to a church to see a friend of a friend's old timey band play and Bret Michaels* was there!

We also played some good ole NES/SNES. We beat Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: the Manhattan Project (suck it, Super Shredder! You too, Krang.) and then also played some Kirby's Dream Course, which my friend would call this:

(Sorry, Derek)

I learned that Louisville has a thriving political scene:

A Paula Deen buffet :

And, most importantly, an art scene:

This is real.



*Actual Bret Michaels-ness not confirmed.

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters, Episode 2

This week, Real & Chance are headed to the Bahamas to do some shark whispering because, "Hidden deep beneath the paradise of the Bahamas, a man exists who possesses otherworldly powers over those sharks."

So, after docking in Nassau, they...walk around the city asking everyone they see if they know Stuart Cove, the shark whisperer. Guess after that debacle with trying to read a map in the last episode they decided to try a different method...

Unsurprisingly, the random-ass Bahamians do not really know what they're talking about. Real and Chance are about to give up and just get drunk when they happen across two guys who've worked with Stuart Cove (what a coincidence!!). One of them got his leg bitten off by a shark.

Real's actual response: "You lost a leg, brah!" Say what you will about Real and Chance, but their tact is unparalleled. Composure, too:

After swimming with the sea lions, or "sea mongooses", as Chance calls them, they make a quick stop at "the Caves". After a few moments, they flip out about the bats, and run back to the car. BUT:

They go to Stuart Cove's Coves, but still have more tests to pass before they can meet the man behind the Coves. A hot chick shows them how to use some scuba gear (Careful, Kayla, they've got crabs!) and Chance breaks out the jheri curl.

Am I going to see new posters for a the Wiz tour starring Chance as the Scarecrow? I'd totally go see that.

The guys finally get to meet Stuart Cove, and they go for their first real dive. And, actually, it seems pretty awesome. Or, should I say, dope.

Chance flips out a bit, but they soldier on to the next spot, where all the sharks hang out. Turns out this Stuart Cove guy fancies himself a comedian. He's giving the guys a bit of a pep talk and, after suggesting hitting the sharks on the nose if they get too aggressive, this exchange takes place:

He also gives them this gem when they're trying to swim back from the shark protection cage thing:
"You know how to get rid of the sharks? Close your eyes."

For successfully swimming amongst the sharks, Real and Chance are honorary members of the Stuart Cove crew. And apparently when you become a member of the crew, you drink a shot of tequila through a scuba mask. One more reason I won't be getting a scuba certificate anytime soon.

The first reason:

Another successful legend-I've-never-heard-of hunted! Still waiting for more reality TV friends to come along on the journey. Where you at, Whiteboy?

My Decision Not to Get Braces Finally Pays Off

Kinda, sorta.

Also, I am kiiiiinda terrified of the photo accompanying this story and, thus, do not find it hot.

Lasers are about to come out of her eyes while she cackles at my burning corpse! She's a model for crying out loud! You guys couldn't have used a better picture than THAT?

Oh.

Well, the nipple one's not SO bad...

"Conclusion? Perfect teeth are no longer hot. So, thanks, mom, for not letting us get braces. In hindsight we realize it was because you loved us and not because you had better things to spend your money on"

Apparently the author of this article had a less image-conscious/more money-conscious mom, because mine wanted me to get braces and I said no. I've loosened up a little bit on my childhood "I'm not changing anything" approach (namely, I couldn't abide the increasing tendency towards unibrow-ism), but have still kept my imperfect chompers. But, they are what I call "evenly crooked", which means that they are symmetrical even in their crookedness, and, I rather like them.

Still, I, along everyone in the comments section, am rather skeptical of this claim that "perfect teeth are no longer hot". Maybe chicks with gaps are attractive now, but I don't think anybody with perfect teeth is going to be cursing God for giving them such a burden any time soon...

Also, using what's popular at model casting calls as a measure of what's hot means that breasts and butts have been unattractive for decades, while walking skeletons are sexy as hell.

Nevertheless, I know one guy who'll be happy with this news, all 130 pounds of 'im:

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters

As you may or may not know, I have watched more VH1 reality TV than any person probably should. But, I grew a little tired of it after awhile and have missed the last few ___ of Love incarnations (Sorry, football player guy (Fine, I know who he is. Ochocinco)). But, VH1 has come up with a show that they knew I could not resist: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "What the fuck is that?" And, rightfully so.

Real and Chance are the nicknames of two brothers who were on I Love New York. New York was the nickname given to Tiffany Pollard, who almost won TWICE on Flavor of Love. And, you probably know who Flavor Flav is, but he got his show after stints on the Surreal Life and a show (literally named Strange Love) about his really, really weird relationship with Brigitte Nielsen, who instead of getting her own ___ of Love show, got a stint in Celebrity Rehab. Aaaaaanywho, Real and Chance had two seasons of their ___ of Love show, and are back "looking for something for real, I mean for real, for real" instead of that fake love: mythological creatures.

The series premiere takes us to Oklahoma, where Real and Chance are looking for "Lee's Monster", a humongous catfish. Apparently it is common practice in the south to "noodle" for catfish, which seems to mean finding huge catfish in their caves, sticking your finger/arm in their mouths, and wrestling them. Fuuuuuuun. Here's a handy diagram about the size of "Lee's Monster":

After reaching Oklahoma, Real and Chance set out on the road. Unfortunately the budget of this show did not include a GPS, so Real and Chance get to try to read a map, which works out...as you might expect.

Once they get that figured out, they come across a turtle in the road and for some reason decide that the right thing to do is not to just move it out of the way, but to bring it with them. This brings out all kinds of emotions in Chance:

It's (the biggest, I think) TV Premiere Week!

Aside from a few shows that had their premieres last week (I believe mostly things on the CW that I have managed not to get sucked into thus far) and things with otherwise odd season calendars, almost everything is starting up again this coming week, including some favorites like 30 Rock and Modern Family (but no Parks & Rec. BOO!) and some things that are likely really, really bad (Outsourced, Raising Hope). SNL will be starting its 36th season this coming Saturday.

Like the Simpsons, and probably every pop culture thing that lasts more than a couple of years, it seems that general popular opinion has been that SNL has been on a down-slide since...well, pretty much ever. We can leave arguments about that for another day (Possible topics: Is a not-as-great episode of the Simpsons still better than most other things that exist? Can any show really sustain the excitement that it garnered from you when it was new? Will Mad Men someday change people's minds on this question? Is that even relevant, since 5 years and 20+ years are rather different?), while we focus on SNL.

First off, I'm a little crushed that Will Forte will no longer be around. I'm not sure how MacGruber was, because I didn't see it, so I am partially to blame for its...un-success, but the sketches were pretty good. I will re-watch my Clone High USA DVDs a few extra times in his honor. Because I'm too lazy right now to keep rooting through SNL sketches to choose a hilariously weird Will Forte one to show (like Digital Shorts Lettuce, Peyote, or Close Talkers, here's a clip from Clone High that is especially appropriate since I'm seeing horrible campaign ads 10 times a day:

50 Books in 2010: the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

This is another book that I had memories of from my time working in a bookstore. I remember it being popular while Liberty Books was dying, and, thus, having to tell people that we didn't have it, and then having them get pissy about it. And, from hearing the title and these interactions with the people who wanted it, I wasn't too interested. But, of course, now that I've read it, I'll say that it was pretty good.

Dear __________,

Dear Person Who Invented Shampoo/Conditioner Sample Packages and Companies Who Utilize Them,

Are you sadists? masochists? sadists? Are you somewhere right now getting off on the image of me (and, I imagine, countless others) finishing their shampooing (and perhaps, their rinsing and repeating and more rinsing), reaching for your sample package of conditioner, not realizing the struggle that is about to ensue?

Are you enjoying the thought of me tearing futilely at that little nub with wet and slippery fingers, barely making a millimeter's progress, before trying, equally futilely, to rip it open with my teeth? [Or, the day I get so frustrated that I give up and get out of the shower to find some scissors to cut it open and end up dripping water all over the bathroom while rustling around in the medicine cabinet, then slip and fall in the puddle after I've finished my shower?]

50 Books in 2010: Blink

 
I have a vague memory of Malcolm Gladwell's entry into frequent Bestseller List-ness and a fairly clear memory of not caring, but, of course, now that it's been awhile and I decided to finally read the books, I like them quite a bit. Even though there are often loose ends and I'm not always sure what the real definitive conclusion/application should be, if any, I find myself plowing through his books with remarkable interest (OK, this is only the second one, but still). I think one of the reasons for this is that I find him to be very well-organized. He'll open with an interesting story, then move on to other equally interesting stories, always tying things back to the opener and to each other.

I'm not sure if this happens to anyone else, but it seems that when I'm reading fairly consistently, there are always links between the books themselves and/or between the books and my life. In this case, there was a passing mention of Andre Agassi, a discussion of Implicit Association Tests (After hearing of these elsewhere awhile back, I took the race-preference-y one and was told I slightly preferred black people), references to how Improv works (took me back to watching my SHU friends doing Harolds, which are mentioned specifically), and how the Herman Miller Aeron chair came to be (I looked these chairs up one day a few months back after hearing them incessantly advertised on NPR and not knowing what the hell the big deal was. I still only partially understand what the big deal is). And, as if that weren't enough, the topic of an NPR show today was the topic of the conclusion of the book (discrimination against women auditioning for orchestras which, once revealed, led to the audition process taking place behind a screen).

The Social Network

My Twitter habit paid off again* this week when I won passes to an advance screening of the Social Network, a film about the creation of Facebook. Presumably, as it wasn't any sort of focus group-y thing, the purpose of allowing me to watch it early was so that I would tell all my friends about it and encourage them to see it in October. So, here goes:

As someone who enjoys Aaron Sorkin (who wrote the screenplay and, I just learned, was a script doctor in the 90s. ZOMG, I WANT TO BE A SCRIPT DOCTOR! I swear I won't doctor them to include words like ZOMG!) and had a high-school love affair with Fight Club (directed by David Fincher, who directed this, which you probably already knew, but might not. It's hard for me to tell because not everyone holds on to useless info about pop culture like I do. Some people's brains are filled with important things like how to do surgery or write code to create Facebook. Or so I've heard.), and found the trailer pretty intriguing, I had a feeling that I would enjoy it. And that instinct was correct. Here's the trailer, [said in Best Week Ever narrator-guy voice:] in case you missed it:




Watching the trailer again after seeing the movie, it seems like a pretty perfect representation of it.


I was concerned going into it that it was going to be too long, based on my experience with prior Fincher flicks the Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Zodiac. Luckily, though, however long it was, I was sorry to see it end so soon.


Setting aside how factual or fictional the story is, it's a good one. I'm still not sure how to feel about Mark Zuckerberg as a person, whether that's referring to the real life Zuckerberg or the movie Zuckerberg. I think that's one of the most interesting things about the movie--pretty much none of the characters can be placed into simple 'good' and 'bad' categories. There isn't really a hero to explicitly root for or a villain to explicitly hate, just a lot of interesting characters.

I also was drawn into the general mood of the film--the whole thing seems rather dark, but still has these very funny moments.


Also, there are the Winklevoss twins. I think Winklevoss might just have made it into my list of most fun things to say. Winklevoss.

McRibbles.

There is much more that could be said, but, having recently read an article about spoilers and wanting to spoil nothing, I will refrain, until you see it in October, at which point we can have a chat.

One last thought: this kid invented Facebook when he was in college. While he was inventing Facebook, I was playing Super Mario 3 in my apartment/dorm, then watching Clerks: the Animated Series a million times and laughing until I cried, eating a lot of junk food, and, of course, attending classes here and there (Yes, my college experience was WILD). What. the. fuck.?




*Previous Twitter pay-offs undisclosed.

Punny News of the Day

So, I saw this headline: Authorities Bust 17 in Unusual Sting. I hovered over the link to see the full title and found out it was a HONEY STING!!!!! ZOMGWTFBBQ! BEES make HONEY and they also STING!

I originally thought that this rather amusing wording was not on purpose, based on the very straightforward initial headline and the author of the article. I mean, look at that guy. He looks way too grumpy/serious to intentionally lace an article with puns.

But then he calls it a "sticky, international honey-laundering maze" and I have to believe it was completely on purpose. Which bums me out a little, because it's totally more awesome when news puns are unintentional (See pretty much every New York Post headline for proof that intentional puns are often BAD puns. Evidence: the current headline is RAIN OF TERROR. Apparently everyone over there is too busy coming up with gems like that to copy-edit the damn thing:

Chages? I clicked on the article just to see if Rosario Dawson's mom charged at the lock, charged the cost of it to something, or changed it. In the process, I learned that apparently a squat is a thing you can live in? I've only ever used squat to refer to horrible, horrible exercises (squat holds = the devil) or people living in a building rent-free (We're not gonna paaaaaay/We're not gonna paaaaaay/We're NOT gonna paaaaaay/Last year's RENT/This year's RENT/Next year's RENT/RENT RENT RENT REENT RENT/We're not gonna pay RENT! Ahem.), not the actual building in which they are living.

Does an apartment building become "a squat" when people stop paying to be there? Or...is it...because...people...pop a squat...a lot...in...the...vicinity? Yeah, I hope not, but, really, I have a feeling that there's nothing good about a squat, except apparently for the fact that if you lived in this particular one, you'd have lived with Rosario Dawson (who was in the recent-ish movie version of RENT. Whooooooooooa).

Anywho, if you still remember the whole typo thing, Rosario's mom both charged in AND changed the lock, so maybe that's why they couldn't decide which word to use and used one that doesn't exist instead)*.

Regardless, I just can't get over "honey laundering" being a thing.

Do you think honey launderers get made fun of by the other crooks in the crook break room who are smuggling people and drugs and weapons and such?

Must.not.spend.time.creating.criminal.wordplay.

Piejacking

Snackmailing

Ahem.




*I often think I use too many parentheses, but then tell myself that that is just my style and I might as well embrace it. I think, however, that I may have gone too far this time, in that that one set of parentheses has about 3 sets inside it and doesn't close for several paragraphs. My apologies, dear friends.