50 Books in 2010: My Booky Wook

I'm not sure I'd have written about this book (I have skipped several over the course of this reading adventure, but may make myself write about them all next year) were it not my official 50th book of 2010! Also, I pretty much had to, or my blog would look like it was about nothing but reality TV. But, I failed to take note of any juicy quotes. My apologies.

It was a decent read, aided quite a lot by me reading it in my head with a Russell Brand accent (or whatever my head's version of a Russell Brand accent turned out to be, as I'm sure my success in mimicking it varied greatly across readings). As I have an interest in comedians and an interest in addiction issues, this was likely to appeal to me, but sometimes the British-ness was not easy to accept. He did Americans a favor by often explaining British references, but the footnotes tapered off substantially as the book went on (though the Britishisms did not) and a lot of British celebrities were un-footnoted despite their lack of fame here (or at least, lack of fame to me. I don't really watch a ton of British stuff. (Yet?)).

RIP: Leslie Nielsen

About an hour ago, I saw a tweet mourning the loss of spoof-master Leslie Nielsen. I was skeptical of its truthiness. And, along with his IMDb page at the time of this writing, I am still in denial. However, I have seen more and more sources claiming the authenticity of the news, and thus, feel obliged to post one (okay, a few) of my favorite scenes. This is from Wrongfully Accused, which is admittedly not his best film, but, I don't think I will ever stop finding this Usual Suspects joke funny [Update: the original clip I posted was "removed by the user" so here's the only other one I found. It's a bit longer, unfortunately, but will still do the trick]:



Gotta go. Got a big meeting over at, uh...Mensroom.



Also, this, which I probably did not get AT ALL whenever I originally saw Naked Gun:



And, lastly, I wish there was a better video of this. I have had this song come to my mind way too many times over the years.

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters, Episode 10

It's finale time! I'm not sure this episode was always meant to be the finale, as there is essentially no mention of it whatsoever. Thus, I am afraid that this show did not take off with anyone except for me, and thus, has been cut short. I suppose it was a good way to end, though, as they actually succeeded in all three of their goals this episode:

That's right, our boys succeed in getting poison from a dart frog, saliva from a vampire bat, and venom from a fer-de-lance snake. Well, I suppose I should really say that the boys tag along while their guide does all that, but, hey, close enough, right?

Clearly, Chance is taking things very seriously this time. I mean, look at his outfit!

They meet up with their guides, Donald and Sue, who let them interact a bit with a snake and try some passionfruit juice, which apparently tastes like ass to the Stallionaire palate.

While out looking for wildlife in the rainforest, Donald tells them about banana spiders. Apparently banana spiders give you an erection.

That kills you.

Reality-TV-cap: Skating with the Stars

Skating with the Stars debuted this Monday and, since I'd stayed in that evening with a headache, had heard that Johnny Weir was a judge, and have a general affinity for figure skating and barely-if-at-all celebrities, I watched it.

The host is...some British guy...and if internet comments are to be believed (and they always are), the Brits are glad to have foisted him upon us. And this is why:

He is also obsessed with talking about the possibility of someone falling down. Part of me wanted to keep track of how many times he mentioned it, but who knows if I can even count that high.

These are the judges:

Dick Button is kind of adorable and brings a lot of legitimate experience, in addition to possibly being a bit forgetful and out of it. Dick and Johnny both provide very valid criticism and encouragement. Laurieann Gibson, however, seems to be nuts. She comes from the world of choreography. And the world of holding your vowel sounds for about 5 seconds longer than necessary. And flapping your arms around. Basically, I think she and Paula Abdul might be from the same planet. I'd rather they brought in a Simon or a Randy.

In addition to the host and the judges, there's a lady to help explain figure skating. She tells us that this week's required elements are:
1) One Foot Assisted Glide
2) Pair Spin

Seems reasonable.

Finally, it is time to see some "skating" with "stars".

Some Disney kid (Brandon from Sonny with a Chance) goes first.

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters, Episode 9

This week, the boys head to Montana to track down THUNDERCLAW. Thunderclaw, in addition to reminding me of the Brak Show character Thundercleese (video below for those not in the know), is a huge grizzly bear.

According to Chance, polar bears used to live further south and used black bears as slaves. Eventually, the black bears revolted and forced them up north. So, I guess that's why they're so grizzly?

The guys meet up with some bear experts, including one who is also a bearD expert:

Real and Chance are, as always, diplomatic about it. Everybody likes being referred to as "that sucker", right?

The crew head into the woods to track the bear and come across a carcass and a lot of scat (poop). The bear experts suggest smelling it. For some reason, Real does.

They go for some grub and the guide for some reason tells them that, unlike human penises (penii?), bears' actually have a bone in there, called a bacculum (don't know about that spelling; don't wanna try to look it up). Real intimated that he should get an implant (which seems to accidentally imply that he has ED), but changes his mind when he hears that bears are working with "more of a pencil". This prompts a pretty fantastic In Living Color reference. Or what I took for one, anyway.

50 Books in 2010: Fargo Rock City

Book #49: my final Chuck Klosterman book (until he writes another). If I had seen this before reading the other Klosterman books, I am sure I would not have touched it. To elaborate, the subtitle is: A Heavy Metal Odyssey in Rural North Dakota. And, heavy metal is...not exactly my thing. But, I trusted Chuck Klosterman to make it interesting, and he pretty much succeeded. There were a few points that were kind of a slog for a non-metal person, but overall, it was pretty entertaining and interesting. And it's just generally interesting to read someone defending something that is/was important to them. Even if it's not your cup of tea, you might learn to appreciate it a little more than you otherwise would.

If nothing else, it illuminated the fact that I have learned far too much about celebrities from their presence on VH1 reality shows and not from what made them famous in the first place. I know Bret Michaels not from Poison, but from Rock of Love. Similarly, I know C.C. DeVille not from Poison, but from the Surreal Life. And, I know Steven Adler not from Guns N' Roses, but from Celebrity Rehab (with Dr. Drew). I also found out that I know a lot more Bon Jovi songs than I'd realized.

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters, Episode 8

This week's episode takes the boys to Costa Rica on the quest for crocodillin. I was a little skeptical of the healing properties of crocodillin, but it does seem like there's potential. Even if the wikipedia entry is only like two sentences. (If you were curious, crocodile blood has a lot of antibacterial abilities, which they need because they live in mud.)

They meet up with some folks and head out onto the water to see some crocs. I am skeptical of the authenticity of this scene--the croc expert points out crocs as they go and their names are things like Fidel Castro, Madonna, Hillary Clinton, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie. Then he delivers this gem:

"What's the biggest female ever found?"
.
.
.
"Monica Lewinsky"

 BOOM!

Also, Angelina Jolie and Osama bin Laden make babies every year.

And George Bush is very mean.

Authentic or not, I love this guy.

Holy shit! He's been in a crocodile costume and living in Costa Rica this whole time! How could the CIA not have figured that out? I guess they probably thought "croc" was code for something.

They try their hands at catching some baby crocs, then head to their lodgings, which, as usual, are not good enough for them. I'd admittedly not be super pumped to stay someplace with iguanas running around everywhere, but, I could probably handle it on a free trip to Costa Rica. Especially a free trip to Costa Rica that I was probably also getting paid fairly generously to do.

Ad Absurdum: Mr. Chicken

Ah, local ads. I love (hate) you so. Here are two ads for Mr. Chicken, a sorta KFCish local chain. I'm always intrigued by the fact that the people in local ads are such terrible actors. I know we have local actors who don't suck. Why don't these business owners hire them instead of their nieces and sons-in-law? The world may never know.



Is it just me, or does this lady seem to be in love with "Mr. Chicken" the way one would be with "the King" or Colonel Sanders? It doesn't seem to have as much to do with food as with the persona. Tough luck, lady, 'cause I don't even think there is a Mr. Chicken character. Also, she just put down her phone and said she'd work out dinner plans when the phone starts ringing. Does Mr. Chicken exist after all, and it's him on the phone?? It's a good thing those chicken meals are so cheap, 'cause she's not gonna have much to spend after she gets fired for making personal calls at the office. And seductively? calling her boss Mr. Chicken.



"It's all about the chicken baby!" Hey, I've heard worse. Maybe if that dude takes a shower and loses the chains, he'll have a shot...

I think they hired another relative to run the website:

I'm not sure if you can see that well enough to notice (it doesn't help that their logo is covering part of it up), but they claim "10 Convenient Locations" and go on to list 8. The "About Me" section claims they have 11! Guess they had time to delete the 2 (3?) locations that closed, but not to bother doing the math.

Lovin' the skid marks in that parking lot, though!

And, holy crap, they really have the "wingtones" and THEY ARE TERRIFYING.

50 Books in 2010: What the Dog Saw and Other Adventures

Book #48 of 2010: What the Dog Saw, and Other Adventures by Malcolm Gladwell. This was my third Malcolm Gladwell book and unarguably my least favorite of the three. Unlike the others, this book is a collection of articles he'd previously published in the New Yorker--basically the book equivalent of a clip show. This format can work, of course, and has for Chuck Klosterman and David Foster Wallace, among others, but it just...didn't. It wasn't horrible by any means, but I'd definitely recommend Blink or the Tipping Point before this.

In theory, the book is a collection of essays illustrating the idea of seeing things from other perspectives, and most of the chapters do follow that theme. However, one key perspective is missing--the reader's (or, probably more accurately, mine). There is a chapter about birth control that totally had me re-thinking my opinions on the subject. Instead of tricking your body into thinking it's pregnant, as the pill does, it would be better to trick it into thinking it's menopausal. This could be done with an inhaler instead of pills. Now, if you are like me, you would like to know what happened to this idea. Is it still in the works? Was something wrong with it? I can haz? Well, guess what, HE DOESN'T TELL YOU. So, I got a bunch of perspectives on the pill, but not the information that would make those perspectives useful to me.

The chapter on the problem of homelessness talks about a city that gave apartments to a group of homeless people because taking the worst cases off the streets is (in theory) cheaper than dealing with them being out there. How'd it work out? HE DOESN'T TELL YOU.

5-Minute Movie Review: Beer for My Horses

My starting to watch this was a whim. A whim I began to regret as soon as I started hearing the guitar riffs over the opening titles. And, for that matter, SAW the opening titles:

Fuuuuuuuuuck. Toby Keith is not only in this, but came up with the story.

Music News: UPDATE!

Back in July, I wrote a post about Liam Gallagher, who'd said that he was "doing the best record you'll hear for the next 50 years. We'll probably get a single out October or November..." Well, he got the November part right, at least--the first single from "Beady Eye" has dropped! Prepare your ears to hear the best thing they may ever hear, depending on how long you live from now and whether it counts as hearing better music if you die and go to heaven and John Lennon* serenades you there.

The first few notes were reminiscent of "Everyone Has AIDS" from Team America: World Police. Which I guess is a good thing, assuming you love the songs in Team America: World Police as I do.

Like Flavor Flav calling out Buckwild in the second season of Flavor of Love, though, I'm wondering where the f--- his accent went. (Anyone get that? Anyone? *crickets*)

Honestly, it's not bad. It's also not "Holy shit, I'm never gonna hear something better than this!" good. But, it's better than the other thing I heard today, so I guess it wins so far:

That guy in the white's reactions are PRICELESS. He looks terrified of the sounds coming out of her mouth, like they're going to take shape and attack everyone (doesn't something like that happen in the Mummy or something?)

*Or your dead musician of choice. Elliot Smith, perhaps? Elvis? Kurt Cobain? Johnny Cash? Michael Jackson (too soon?)?**


**For this hypothetical scenario, assume that both you and your dead musician of choice are, in fact, in heaven, and not in hell, in limbo, reincarnated, or just in the ground.

50 Books in 2010: Gunn's Golden Rules

Book #47 of 2010: Gunn's Golden Rules; Life's Little Lessons for Making it Work.

It is much better than what you might expect from a 'celebrity' 'life lessons' book, but of course it is: it's Tim Gunn! He's fabulous!

In addition to containing actual good advice for people who want to be well-mannered and well-regarded (Take the high road. Don't drop in. Be nice to waiters. There should be a lot more thank-yous. And, of course, make it work!), there are also lots of amusing and/or inspirational stories from his life.

My favorite is this: Tim Gunn's father was the ghost writer for J. Edgar Hoover. Tim's family went on the FBI tour each year, including 1961, when Tim was 8. That year, Tim's dad asked him if he'd like to meet Vivian Vance (from I Love Lucy), who happened to be visiting Hoover. So, they went into Hoover's office and met her and chatted a bit. Year later, Tim wonders why Hoover wasn't there in the room, too. He consults experts on Vivian Vance and Hoover and none of them know of a meeting between them. "I'm not saying at the age of eight I definitely met J. Edgar Hoover at his office in the FBI wearing a dress and makeup, only that I strongly suspect it."

I don't know how much you know about what these two looked like, so here's a helpful jpeg:

When I read this section of the book, my first thought was that he was implying a vast conspiracy where Vivian Vance wasn't just Hoover in a dress that day but always. This picture shows that that was not as crazy as it might have seemed...

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters, Episode 7

This week, Real and Chance are looking for a "serial-killing cougar" in the mountains of California. Don't worry, it's not Courteney Cox. It's one of these guys:

This week's guide gives the boys some instructions in case a cougar comes after them: protect your vitals. Now, while I think this means making sure it doesn't rip my intestines out, the boys think he's referring to...well, you know.

Real is cool with a cougar taking an arm or leg, but you leave his junk alone. After meeting the "smaller, friendlier" cougar (seen above), they head off to meet a local who's spotted the serial-killing cougar on his property. They refer to him as a mountain man, buuuut he's not quite what they were expecting:

Reality-TV-cap: Real and Chance: the Legend Hunters, Episode 6

Finally, we've come to the Big Foot episode (the boys' obsession with Big Foot is presumably what inspired this series in the first place). I found this one particularly interesting because, unlike previous episodes, where even if the particular huge catfish or huge snake they were looking for didn't exist, other huge catfish and snakes did, big foots probably are not real. So, instead of the usual dynamic of Real & Chance being goofy and experts in tracking something putting up with their antics and making fun of them, this episode pairs them with people who are inevitably pretty out there themselves. I hoped that would mean more antics, and, I suppose to some degree it did.

So, Real and Chance head to California, where there have been reports of Big Foot sightings since the 1920s (!). They meet some big foot...enthusiasts (read: researchers or experts) in a library, where they see some big foot stuff and get shushed a lot by the librarian.

Wait, is that just the Grimace in night vision? I hope they don't find him in the woods, cause nothing can kill the Grimace and he won't suffer fools.

Actually I think it's a still from Where the Wild Things Are. What up, James Gandolfini? Then again, I would not want to stumble across James Gandolfini in the woods at night any more than I would a big foot...

After the library, they visit with a bear trainer. Their guide, Rip, tells the bear trainer that he wants to show them the differences between "your bears and my bigfoots." Clearly, the bear trainer does not know how to deal with this.

Then, it's time for...OBLIGATORY RANDOM SHOPPING TRIP FOR USELESS ITEMS!

Filming in the Gaps: the Godfather

 

Just from the title you are probably not interested in being my friend anymore, if you ever were. Yes, for my entire life until now, I kept the dirty secret that I had never seen the Godfather. At least that has now been remedied...right? Better late than never...or...something?

Firstly, here are three things that took away from my enjoyment of this movie:

1. I watched it on Netflix Instant, which is a great thing in general, but is hard to look at for 3 hours. My computer chair is fine, but sitting in it for 3 hours is not. It is also very hard for me to sit at a computer connected to the internet and just look at one thing. I managed to do it for the majority, but must admit that I did stray a little towards the end.

2. All of the references to it in pop culture. I can't even think of all of them right now, but there are a LOT. The one(s) I remember most clearly are the multiple references to it in You've Got Mail. Tom Hanks is always using lines from it like "go to the mattresses" and "leave the gun, take the cannoli". And the Simpsons  did a fight scene taken from it. Etc.

3. For the first (and I'm guessing/hoping only) time in my life, a movie was spoiled by a video game--I own the Godfather video game for the Wii. Many of the voices in it are the real ones and the plot follows a very similar arc (minus all the wedding stuff, plus a lot more beating up and shooting of people). So, not only did I sometimes know what was going to happen, but I also kept being like "OH! I remember this part of the game! Wow, they did a really good job making it look like this!" This makes me feel like kind of an asshole. Like the person who hears a song with a blatantly obvious old school sample in it and loves that sample as if it is original, then a long time later hears the original and compares it to the thing that borrowed from it, thinking that they did a really great job with that sample. Ugh.

Apparently I'm a Pugnacious Creative Liberal Rebel Experientialist Who Takes Risks and Thinks I'm Superior

While checking out the A/V Club this morning, I saw this headline: "New study finds that people who like the Office are smug, people who watch Glee are overly sensitive". Do tell!

It pointed me to an article on the Ad Age website. Apparently some company did a study about what watching different shows says about your personality and, of course, how this relates to what crap you want to buy. I might be able to get on board a little bit with the stereotypes attached to the shows, but the product suggestions are pretty much universally incorrect as far as I'm concerned. Well, I take that back, I'd totally eat a Totino's pizza right now. Yes, I know it's 10 o'clock in the morning. I love pizza. Even shitty pizza.

They only discuss a fraction of the shows studied (there are paragraphs for 7 of 70), but I watch 5 of the 7. So, the question clearly on everyone's mind and obviously answered correctly by this study: who am I?

Well, I watch Mad Men, so I'm probably creative and liberal. This means I'm supposed to want to drive around in an Audi while using an American Express card to buy the latest release of the iPhone. And for some reason I'm supposed to hate Microsoft, GMC, Campbell's, and Escalades. Well, I do dislike Escalades.

I also watch Family Guy, so I'm a rebel and/or a risk-taker. And, don't confuse risk-takers with rebels--"risk takers have more bravado". But, they both enjoy pizza (OMG, I LOVE PIZZA! THIS STUDY IS AMAZING!). Rebels like sticking it to delivery pizza by getting DiGiornio and risk-takers like to risk having really shitty pizza by going the Totino's route. They both hate Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt and Volvos. Who doesn't? I'm totally okay with Volvos.